Her Confessional #3 Excerpt
I wanted to be happy again. I wanted him to be happy again. Not for the first time I feared we’d never find that happiness together. Not true happiness, at least.
I couldn’t say how long we stared at one another, and who knew what was going through Cameron’s mind since he’d been using that blank mask more and more in my presence – the one that allowed him to go through life with no one knowing what he was feeling – but I knew what I was feeling and I was tired as hell of keeping it locked up inside, where I feared my love for him would wither and die if something didn’t change, and soon.
I reached up and laid my hand on his forearm, bared to my touch, long sleeves haphazardly pushed up to his elbows. “I’ve missed you.”
There, I’d said it. No more polite utterances in in the morning, no more cordial but cold hellos and goodbyes as we passed one another in the hallway en route to our next meeting – or increasingly often, off to spend time with Jillian. I was willing to lay all of my cards on the table, make him talk about the distance that had grown between us, make him confront his feelings. If it turned out the aloofness that had cropped up between us had made him question his love for me, his commitment to us – if it meant that I was going to lose him – then I’d have to face that truth sooner or later.
With these thoughts rattling through my brain I came to the realization I’d been fearing the worst for awhile, that I had lost faith in our love for one another. It broke my heart, a physical pain taking root in my chest. I dragged my hand from Cameron’s arm to rub at the sore spot in the middle of my sternum where that tight hard knot had made itself known more and more frequently. I recognized that the pain was only the physical manifestation of my stress, but I couldn’t help but think that lately I’d only had them when I looked too closely at our relationship.
“I’ve missed you too baby,” he uttered as he suddenly smiled down at me. When he dropped that mask of indifference he’d taken to wearing and showed me this small bit of emotion, it was like the sun had parted the clouds after several days of rain and gloom and I felt the grip on my chest lessen just a little bit. “So, I was thinking I’ve got a few days off coming up and if you can swing it, we should get away. We don’t see nearly enough of each other since production got under way and it feels wrong.”
His words were a soothing balm. The chance to spend some uninterrupted time together was exactly what we needed.
“I can definitely swing it,” I replied without stopping to consider my schedule or the ramifications of taking time off even if it turned out not to be a convenient time.
I stood up from my chair and wrapped my arms around him, something I hadn’t been able to do in many days. I felt his arms flex against my body and soon he had wrapped his arms around me as well. I leaned my head against his chest and just savored the feel of being in his arms again after what had felt like such a long absence.
“I was thinking we could drive up the coast next weekend, get a room somewhere, and just spend a few days reading, relaxing … doing other things.” I heard the smile in his voice when he spoke that last part and I had to smile right along with him.
“Having you all to myself for more than a couple of hours at a time is going to be such a luxury that I have no intention of spending that time reading or relaxing. I was thinking of a much more physical sort of getaway, one with lots of … hmm … riding,” I said into the center of his chest, a secret naughty smile shaping my lips. When he took in my meaning I felt his laugh rumble underneath my cheek and he squeezed me just a little bit tighter.